


I've Got You Deep In The Heart Of Me

by orphan_account



Category: Bleach
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-01
Updated: 2013-12-01
Packaged: 2018-01-03 03:18:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1065132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ukitake pressed his lips together for a moment before he sighed, eyes moving away from Hitsugaya. They sat in tense silence for a few moments before Ukitake spoke up again, his voice lower and quieter than before.</p><p>“I have lived many lifetimes Hitsugaya and I understand better than you will ever know what it is like to feel the loss of a loved one while their body still breathes and their heart still beats.”</p><p>Hitsugaya bowed his head and closed his eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've Got You Deep In The Heart Of Me

The sun was just beginning to peek over the horizon when he came upon the thirteenth division barracks. The gates printed with the towering kanji for thirteen were as tall and intimidating as all the rest, but unlike the guarded strong-holds of the other divisions these were as open and welcoming as they ever were. There was not a guard in sight. There never was. Ukitake didn’t believe in keeping people out. He wished for his division to be a sanctuary for all and never barred a soul, regardless of their intentions. It was, Hitsugaya thought, his old captain’s best and worst quality. That level of faith in people. 

The grounds were beautiful this time of year. Even bathed the early crispness of winter the flowers did not wilt thanks to Ukitake’s careful care. Hitsugaya knew the man spent several hours every day on his gardens so as to tend to every single blossom. The dedication showed in the healthy blooms and gave the garden a well-loved, homey atmosphere that always made Hitsugaya feel at peace when he visited. The flowers would wilt soon no doubt, as was the way of things. Not even his nurturing former captain could stop the inevitable. Until then the familiar sight was calming, helping to soothe his raw nerves and set his mind at ease. If only for the moment.

Making his way through the winding trails of greenery Hitsugaya soon found himself at the lake-side lodgings of his former captain. Walking across the bridge at a brisk pace, the spell of the gardens was lifted from his mind. Reality came rushing back as the events of the days past returned to weigh heavily on his mind. 

He must have been frowning because the first thing Ukitake did when he saw him was laugh and smile at him fondly.

“Come,” he said, ushering him towards the balcony overlooking the lake. Hitsugaya could see steaming tea set already on the low-lying table, as well as a selection of his favourite sweets. 

It was unclear how the other captain had known he was coming, but then it always was. The other man had always had the uncanny ability to sense these things for as long as Hitsugaya had known him. And as Kyouraku had informed him one night over sake, for as long as _he_ had known him. Hitsugaya wasn’t sure how long that was exactly, but he had a feeling it was several lifetimes longer than he could ever comprehend.

Toeing off his waraji Hitsugaya settled opposite the white-haired captain and looked out over the lake. A sense of peace came over him once more at the familiar sight. He had come here to have tea with his old captain many times over the years and in a way this place would always feel more like home to him than even his own division. A light breeze fanned his cheek and he turned his face up into the crispness of the early morning air, breathing out a sigh. From his peripheral Hitsugaya was aware of Ukitake watching him quietly. 

“I am sorry to bother you this early Ukitake,” he said quietly after a lengthy silence.

Ukitake smiled warmly and waved his apology away as Hitsugaya knew he would. “Not at all. You know you are welcome here anytime Hitsugaya-taichou.”

Hitsugaya nodded, expecting as much. Ukitake poured their tea quietly and handed him a cup. Though he was not cold the tea felt good slipping down his throat, and the steady warmth of the cup was soothing against his ravaged palms. 

Ukitake eyed his hands, worry weighing down his brow. “How are they?” he asked quietly.

“Unohana thinks they should heal within a month.”

Ukitake nodded. “I suppose that is a relief considering.”

“Yes. I suppose it is,” Hitsugaya said.

Ukitake took a long sip of his tea and swiped a length of stark-white hair behind his ear, not commenting on the bitterness in his old pupil’s voice. 

“You have your division well in hand I suspect?” Ukitake questioned, though it was more a confirmation of what the man knew to be true than a true query.

“Of course,” Hitsugaya agreed. Then, hesitating only a moment, “though it has been…difficult.”

There was a lengthy silence as Ukitake studied him and Hitsugaya tried not to shift under his mild, yet penetrating gaze. After a moment Ukitake looked away again over the lake.

“I would offer you a helping hand if I thought you would accept it,” Ukitake said after a moment. 

Hitsugaya nodded, thankful for the support, but mindful of the way such a thing would look in the eyes of the soutaichou and the other captains. He was already the youngest captain in the history of the Gotei thirteen. There was no need to add further fuel to the flames of those who said he was unfit for such responsibility. 

“I know.”

Hitsugaya paused again and Ukitake waited patiently. Like he had all the time in the world to council former students and put their minds at ease though Hitsugaya knew he was busier these days than most. 

Hitsugaya joined his old teacher in looking out over the water. “It’s not a helping hand that I need now Ukitake,” he admitted, “but the strength of my own.”

He clenched his hands tightly, welcoming the pain that radiated outwards from his palms at the action. It was no less than he deserved after all. 

Hands on his own unfolded his fists and swept lightly over the bandages on his palms. The touch was soothing and the concern plain on Ukitake’s face left him unable to reprimand the personal touch. It had always been his old captain’s way to sneak in under his defences and render him helpless with his kind touches and soft words. No one could say no to Ukitake and Hitsugaya found he was no exception. He was perhaps the one who proved the rule best of all.

Ukitake looked at him with kind eyes full of concern. Though when he spoke his voice was knowing and heavy with experience. “Your strength will return to you with time,” he assured the younger man, “you must simply be patient.”

Hitsugaya sighed unhappily, though he was expecting such a response. Ukitake caught the action and his smile turned indulgent and perhaps a little amused. 

“You are not the first captain to have felt helpless in the face of a debilitating condition Hitsugaya-taichou,” he reminded him gently.

Hitsugaya turned to face the other captain and guilt overcame him at the meaningful look on his face, still so sallow after so long a time. Due to illness, Hitsugaya reminded himself, incurable, debilitating illness. Yes, Ukitake would know best of all how it felt to be taken out of commission against your own free will. To be betrayed by your own body. Of course he would.

“Ukitake I’m-”

The other man cut him off, “It’s quite alright Hitsugaya-taichou. When we are overcome by our own problems we all find it difficult to see beyond our own suffering.”

Hitsugaya bit back the retort that he was sure Ukitake had never been blind to anyone’s suffering and made an effort to smile at the man instead, knowing he believed his own words wholeheartedly.

“That being said,” Ukitake continued, slowly, “I think in your case an exception can be made, considering the circumstances.”

Hitsugaya blinked, “The circumstances?”

“Hinamori-san of course.”

Hitsugaya felt his blood freeze and his heart shudder to a stop in his chest at the sound of her name. The temperature in their immediate vicinity dropped rapidly and Hitsugaya knew it would be doing so all around soul society, his anger was so intense. If it were anyone but Ukitake saying this, anyone at all, he would have frozen them on the spot. 

Ukitake seemed to sense this. He leant forward and rested his elbows on the table, meeting his pupil’s eyes steadily, “We must talk about her Hitsugaya.”

Hitsugaya grit his teeth, “I didn’t come here to talk about her.”

“Then why did you come here?” Ukitake wondered, sounding genuinely curious. “I’m afraid if it was to talk about the limitations of your current physical body then you are merely scratching the surface of the true issue and will not benefit in the slightest from my council, as any guidance I give would be superficial and completely unrelated to your true struggles.”

Unable to let go of his anger, Hitsugaya felt a muscle jump in his jaw. “Leave Hinamori out of this Ukitake. I mean it,” he warned.

Ukitake pressed his lips together for a moment before he sighed, eyes moving away from Hitsugaya. They sat in tense silence for a few moments before Ukitake spoke up again, his voice lower and quieter than before.

“I have lived many lifetimes Hitsugaya and I understand better than you will ever know what it is like to feel the loss of a loved one while their body still breathes and their heart still beats.”

Hitsugaya bowed his head and closed his eyes. 

“It is a pain unlike any other,” he said quietly, “and no one blames you for it.”

Feeling his anger drain away like sand from an hour glass, Hitsugaya sighed and looked at his old teacher with tired eyes. “I’m sorry Ukitake.”

Reaching over, Ukitake took the younger man’s hand in his, careful not to aggravate his still fresh wounds.

“As I said, no one blames you for it. Least of all me.”

Hitsugaya met the other man’s small smile and kind eyes, and felt something within him stir and reach out for the comfort he offered so freely. 

Hitsugaya swallowed roughly and said almost too quietly to hear, “She didn’t remember me.”

Ukitake didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to. He merely kept hold of his hand and waited for Hitsugaya to continue speaking.

Hitsugaya couldn’t break away, but found he couldn’t keep looking into his old captain’s eyes. He looked down instead. 

“Unohana says,” he licked his suddenly dry lips, “Unohana says she will make a full physical recovery and that’s great. It’s better than we expected given the extent of her injuries. I know I should be grateful, but I’m… Ukitake I’m just…”

He closed his eyes, “I just feel so lost.”

Hitsugaya remembered it clearly, the moment she fell. It was cut like crystal glass into his memories, and he knew he would never forget it. 

The battle had been hard for all of them of course, but for Hinamori and her division most of all. They had been charged with creating and maintaining a kido barrier around the battlefield and Hinamori had nearly drained her rietsu dry upholding it even with the help of her squad. But even so the barrier had served it’s purpose and the civilian population of soul society had been saved because of it. 

Hitsugaya was cut up, his hands bloodied and useless at his sides and perhaps that’s why he didn’t notice at first. That her face was too pale, her body slumped and frail looking. That she was just barely holding the barrier up by herself while her men rested and rejoiced around her. 

He remembered he had started to hurry, some nameless force telling him to go faster, run harder in order to get to her in time. In time for what, he hadn’t known. He’d just had to get to her. Then the barrier had broken, crashing down around them all like a dome of red fire. And Hinamori: tired, pale Hinamori had been at the very centre it. The power had crashed directly into her chest and sent her reeling right into his arms. Catching her hard against his chest, he’d crashed to his knees and held her head in his bloodied palms. Her eyes had barely been open, but they blinked at him and for a moment his name was on her lips. Then her eyes had closed and her heart had stopped.

He didn’t remember much after that, just flashes of rage and pain and the cold familiarity of ice coiling around his heart. Unohana had told him later that they’d had to sedate him to stop him from hurting himself and the people around him. That he’d almost taken off Kyouraku’s head and cut Abarai and Kira to ribbons in his rage. But that Hinamori would be alright. That while he’d slept she’d made it out of the woods and was expecting a full recovery. 

They didn’t learn until later that she was having issues with her memory. That she might never regain what she’d lost.

Full recovery, Hitsugaya found, was a relative term.

A hand stroking his own brought him back to the present and a kindly voice soothed his aching heart, “It’s okay to feel that way,” Ukitake said gently, “we all get lost sometimes. All that matters is that we have someone to bring us back when we do.”

Hitsugaya looked down at the other man’s thin hands and couldn’t help but wonder, “Do you? Have someone I mean.”

Ukitake smiled, “Of course. Kyouraku delights in knocking some sense into me when I need it, rare as such occasions may be.”

Hitsugaya couldn’t help but smile. “I can’t imagine that,” he admitted, “the man dotes on you.”

“Ah. And that is why he does it.”

His bewilderment must have shown because Ukitake chuckled lightly at his old student. “Does that confuse you?”

“I can’t imagine him being anything but kind to you,” Hitsugaya confessed and watched as Ukitake’s smile stretched wider.

“Kindness comes in many forms,” he said cryptically, “and is not always dealt in soft words or with gentle hands. Sometimes it is very hard indeed, to do the kind thing. Especially when it means you must hurt the ones you care about.”

Hitsugaya frowned. “I don’t believe that hurting people is a kindness.”

“Not always, but sometimes it is necessary. To do for others what they cannot do for themselves. To push them beyond what they deem necessary or helpful for their own good.” At this Ukitake sent him a meaningful look and Hitsugaya was abruptly reminded of his own earlier reluctance and the relief he had found in talking since then.

“I think…I think I understand.”

Ukitake nodded and refilled his cup, offering Hitsugaya the same. Realising he hadn’t drunk a single mouthful since the first, Hitsugaya declined, embarrassed. Ukitake watched with amused eyes as he drunk his mostly cold tea and a sudden laugh cut through the air.

“You are a truly unique individual Hitsugaya-taichou,” Ukitake said fondly and Hitsugaya nearly flinched at the honourific that now felt so out of place. It had for years if he was to be honest.

“Please Ukitake, call me Toushirou.”

Ukitake blinked at him, caught by surprise, but his smile was blinding. It was, after all, the first time Hitsugaya had offered as such.

“Then you must call me Juushirou.” Ukitake insisted and though he felt a coil of discomfort in his abdomen at the thought of calling his old teacher by his given name it was largely overshadowed by a growing sense of camaraderie. 

Hitsugaya smiled. “Okay. Juushirou.”

They sat together for a few hours more. Until people began to emerge from their barracks and the thirteenth division came alive with early-morning activity. Hitsugaya finished off the last biscuit with a clean snap and licked the crumbs from his fingers, chasing the sweet buttery-crumble with the last of his tea. Ukitake watched him as they sat in companionable silence.

Hitsugaya watched the sun rise higher in the sky. “I should go,” he said reluctantly.

Ukitake nodded. “Hmm. Matsumoto-san will be needing her morning wake-up call,” he said knowingly.

Knowing his lieutenant was no doubt hung-over and sprawled out dead asleep on his couch right now, Hitsugaya growled, “Damn that Matsumoto! Always slacking off…” 

Ukitake laughed under his breath and Hitsugaya sent him an apologetic look. “Again I’m-”

“-It’s quite alright Toushirou, please stop apologising. You must promise to come back soon though,” he insisted, moving to clear away the tea set and serving plates and stack them neatly in a pile. 

“Of course,” Hitsugaya agreed and stood, his legs protesting the movement after sitting for so long. He slipped on his waraji and took one last look out over the lake. Breathing in the calm of the scenery, Hitsugaya turned and allowed himself to smile genuinely at his old captain.

“Thankyou Juushirou-san. For everything.”

Ukitake put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed, the smile never leaving his face. “Anytime Toushirou.”

Just as he was turning to leave, Ukitake’s voice called him back. “One more thing.”

Hitsugaya turned and looked back at his old teacher. “What is it?”

Ukitake paused. “What I said before about being lost and needing someone to bring us back…” he trailed off and Hitsugaya nodded to show he remembered, a curious frown coming to his face.

“It seems to me,” he said slowly, eyes piercing Hitsugaya’s own, “that Hinamori-san is quite lost herself and maybe what she needs, even more than your kindness, is to be found again.”

Understanding flooded through him as he saw what his old captain was trying to say in that cryptic way of his. Hinamori didn’t need him here agonising over her fate and treating her with kid-gloves. She needed him there with her, helping her heal. Whether she remembered him or not didn’t matter. It was a secondary concern to helping her get better.

Hitsugaya blinked at Ukitake, the revelation throwing him off for a second before he smiled brilliantly at his old teacher. “Thankyou,” he said again and meant it more than the other man could possibly comprehend. But from the look on his face Hitsugaya thought he got it, just a little bit.

“Go,” Ukitake smiled, “you have more important things to be doing than standing around here talking to old men like me.”

Hitsugaya’s eyes softened momentarily before he turned, his affection for the other man clear. As the young captain flashed stepped down the boardwalk Ukitake watched him go with a smile on his face and lightness in his heart.

He felt another presence step up behind him and Ukitake leant back into the familiar touch. Arms came around him and there was a soft exhalation of air against his ear. Ukitake closed his eyes, smiling wider. “Did you have fun eavesdropping?”

A low chuckle. “Hitsugaya-kun, as always, has very interesting things to say about me.”

Ukitake cocked an eyebrow. “I believe he only spoke of you once Shunsui,” he reminded the other man, “and even then only in passing.”

“Oh that’s right,” a grin, “I must have forgotten.”

Warmth flooded through him and Ukitake turned in the circle of his old friend’s arms. “I’m sure.”

Looking up at his long-time lover Ukitake let a frown come to his face. A thumb stroked over his cheekbone and a voice whispered, “What is it?”

“Do you think they’ll be alright?” he asked quietly, and then added, “it was the one thing I couldn’t tell him for certain and the only thing I really wanted to. He loves her so very much after all.”

“And you hate to see him sad,” Kyouraku deduced, his eyes softening.

Tucking his head into Shunsui’s neck, Ukitake sighed and admitted, “Yes. Probably more than I should.”

“Nonsense,” Shunsui declared, smiling brightly, “that little grump needs all the affection he can get if he’s going to grow up to deserve my little Hinamori-chan.”

Ukitake snorted, quite unable to keep it back. “Taken her under your wing have you?”

“Of course,” Shunsui said sagely.

“I bet Ise-san is happy about that.”

“My little Nanao-chan will always be first in my heart when it comes to the ladies, but with the sound of wedding bells on the horizon for her I have decided my skills are needed elsewhere.” 

“You’ve seen Hinamori-san then?” 

Shunsui’s face did something complicated. “Retsu-chan let me in briefly yes.”

“Is it true that she’s…” he trailed off and Shunsui sighed.

“Unfortunately yes.” At Juushirou’s pained look Shunsui smiled encouragingly and kissed him firmly on the forehead, a loud smacking kiss that made the other man laugh delightedly and cuff him playfully on the arm.

Slowly his smile faded. “I do hope he can handle it,” 

“Of course he can,” Shunsui said firmly, face oddly serious.

Juushirou looked up at him, surprised. “How can you be so sure?”

Shunsui smiled, looking down at his lover with tender eyes and said quietly, “Because he loves her and he will have to.”

Ukitake’s eyes softened and he leant up to kiss Shunsui softly, pulling back after a moment only far enough to look his lover in the eyes. “You always know just what to say Shunsui. It’s what I love about you.”

Shunsui grinned and tightened his grip around his waist, pulling him in suddenly more firmly and making the slighter man yelp. “I hope that’s not _all_ you love about me.”

Juushirou laughed and twined his arms around the other man’s shoulders, a thin-fingered hand running through his loose hair, removing the tangles. “One of many things,” he assured him.

Shunsui bent their heads together and basked in the closeness for a moment, knowing soon that their time together would be up and there would be division work and captains meetings and little time for quiet moments between lovers. 

Brushing a kiss over the dusting of pink on Juushirou’s cheekbone, Shunsui smiled against his skin, waiting. And after a moment as Shunsui knew he would, Juushirou used the hand in his hair to bring their lips together again in a kiss as deep and true as any he had ever known.

It was, as always, the most miraculous thing he had ever experienced in all his years of life.

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from: 'I've got you under my skin' by Neneh Cherry


End file.
